Chapter 3
Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor...
Too many fish in the sea...
Take me out tonight...
Mae pulled into the packed parking lot and drove around a few minutes before she finally spotted a space in the back. She pulled in and sat for a few minutes. Can't believe you're meeting up with some guy you met on the internet. She searched her console for a napkin to wipe her hands dry. Her fingers tingled as blood made its way back to the tips. Her drive to meet Dan had been filled with anxiety and debate. She wanted to turn around and go home, but a little voice inside her kept whispering encouragement. It’s not a date, it’s just a drink. Or was it drinks? Drinks. No big deal. It’s no big deal, Mae.
She checked herself in the mirror, one last time. She looked good, at least this time, no cabbage in the teeth. “Okay, time to go.” She could feel her heart pounding in her throat and her ankles wobbled as she walked to the entrance of the restaurant.
“Mae?” He was standing on the steps in front of the door.
“Yes. Dan, right?” Her hand flew out to shake his. “Hi.”
He took her hand in both of his and slid one of them up her arm and then guided her through the door. His touched caused goose bumps to form on her neck. Mae watched him as he led her to a table in the back. She was intrigued by the way he swaggered through the restaurant, like he owned the place. He was more attractive than she envisioned. But that wasn’t what caused a stir in her. It was his persona that had her captivated, the way he carried himself, with confidence, certainty, and a hint of arrogance. Good thing she wore flats.
“Is this okay?” He pointed toward the booth.
“Sure, yes, um, its fine.” Was it fine, Mae? Tell him again.
She took a seat, he smiled and sat down across from her.
“You look nice.”
“Oh, …thanks,” Mae looked around and saw two women across the bar dressed in mini-skirts and high boots. “I, yeah, I usually just wear jeans and T’s.”
Dan laughed, “Mae, I said you look nice.”
“Oh, right.” Idiot! “You look nice, too. I like the goatee, I didn’t remember that from your picture, actually, I wasn’t sure what you looked like from the little icon, I recognize the goatee, but you had sunglasses on in the picture, so while I was driving here I kept thinking that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to recognize you.” Why stop now, Mae? Maybe, you could tell him the rest of your life story.
“What are you drinking? Are you hungry?” The waitress was standing over them.
“Oh, I’ll take an Alabama Slammer.”
“Did I tell you I was from Alabama?” Dan grinned at her.
“What, you are?” Dan laughed. His laugh was low and throaty, devilish. Mae thought it was sexy.
“You don’t sound it.” Now the waitress was laughing, too. “Oh!” Mae’s cheeks burned and she started laughing, not quite the laugh of a hyena, but close enough.
The waitress took their order and left. Mae was sorry to see her go, because now she was alone with Dan. Yes, it was just she and Dan, and 200 other people in the bar.
Somehow, she survived the first couple hours of the date. Mae felt comfortable with Dan because he didn’t stare at her the whole time, not like the other “dates.” His gaze moved around the room and back, giving her room to breathe, she didn’t feel so self-conscious. He doesn’t seem to think you’re foolish, at least not yet. They talked about the usual first date stuff; jobs, music, movies, relationships, chocolate… which left just one subject.
“I like your lips.” Dan didn’t look away this time. Mae didn’t respond. “I’d like to kiss you, can I kiss you?” His eyes told her it wasn’t a question.
“Oh, um… yes. Just don’t warn me first, I'd like to be surprised.” Oh my God, I did NOT just say that!
He grinned at her and then excused himself. He came back with two drinks from the bar and slid onto the seat next to her.
Mae’s hands found a napkin to play with while Dan talked about the band that was playing on the other side of the bar.
“Do you like their music?”
When Mae turned to answer him, he took her face into his hands and pulled her in for a kiss. His kiss was slow and moist and hot. She felt his soft facial hair brush her lips and chin. Their tongues danced a slow, sensual tango. He pulled her bottom lip into his mouth and she felt fire flow through her veins. She was lost in his kiss, and it sparked something she thought was long dead. When he pulled away she was breathless.
“Wow.” Dan’s voice was low and he pulled her hand down to his jeans and whispered, “See what you’ve done to me.”
Mae was shocked, at her own behavior, she didn’t pull away. Say something.
“Do you feel it, too, Mae?” He kissed her neck.
“Yes.” Then her hungry lips found his and they kissed again.
“I’ve only been with one man.” She blurted it out as soon as he pulled away. As if he even asked.
Dan laughed again, that low, sexy laugh that sent fire through Mae’s body. “I haven’t been with any. But, I want to be with you.” His lips brushed her ear as he whispered it to her.
And another voice, from deep within, whispered to her as well...
She checked herself in the mirror, one last time. She looked good, at least this time, no cabbage in the teeth. “Okay, time to go.” She could feel her heart pounding in her throat and her ankles wobbled as she walked to the entrance of the restaurant.
“Mae?” He was standing on the steps in front of the door.
“Yes. Dan, right?” Her hand flew out to shake his. “Hi.”
He took her hand in both of his and slid one of them up her arm and then guided her through the door. His touched caused goose bumps to form on her neck. Mae watched him as he led her to a table in the back. She was intrigued by the way he swaggered through the restaurant, like he owned the place. He was more attractive than she envisioned. But that wasn’t what caused a stir in her. It was his persona that had her captivated, the way he carried himself, with confidence, certainty, and a hint of arrogance. Good thing she wore flats.
“Is this okay?” He pointed toward the booth.
“Sure, yes, um, its fine.” Was it fine, Mae? Tell him again.
She took a seat, he smiled and sat down across from her.
“You look nice.”
“Oh, …thanks,” Mae looked around and saw two women across the bar dressed in mini-skirts and high boots. “I, yeah, I usually just wear jeans and T’s.”
Dan laughed, “Mae, I said you look nice.”
“Oh, right.” Idiot! “You look nice, too. I like the goatee, I didn’t remember that from your picture, actually, I wasn’t sure what you looked like from the little icon, I recognize the goatee, but you had sunglasses on in the picture, so while I was driving here I kept thinking that I wasn’t sure if I would be able to recognize you.” Why stop now, Mae? Maybe, you could tell him the rest of your life story.
“What are you drinking? Are you hungry?” The waitress was standing over them.
“Oh, I’ll take an Alabama Slammer.”
“Did I tell you I was from Alabama?” Dan grinned at her.
“What, you are?” Dan laughed. His laugh was low and throaty, devilish. Mae thought it was sexy.
“You don’t sound it.” Now the waitress was laughing, too. “Oh!” Mae’s cheeks burned and she started laughing, not quite the laugh of a hyena, but close enough.
The waitress took their order and left. Mae was sorry to see her go, because now she was alone with Dan. Yes, it was just she and Dan, and 200 other people in the bar.
Somehow, she survived the first couple hours of the date. Mae felt comfortable with Dan because he didn’t stare at her the whole time, not like the other “dates.” His gaze moved around the room and back, giving her room to breathe, she didn’t feel so self-conscious. He doesn’t seem to think you’re foolish, at least not yet. They talked about the usual first date stuff; jobs, music, movies, relationships, chocolate… which left just one subject.
“I like your lips.” Dan didn’t look away this time. Mae didn’t respond. “I’d like to kiss you, can I kiss you?” His eyes told her it wasn’t a question.
“Oh, um… yes. Just don’t warn me first, I'd like to be surprised.” Oh my God, I did NOT just say that!
He grinned at her and then excused himself. He came back with two drinks from the bar and slid onto the seat next to her.
Mae’s hands found a napkin to play with while Dan talked about the band that was playing on the other side of the bar.
“Do you like their music?”
When Mae turned to answer him, he took her face into his hands and pulled her in for a kiss. His kiss was slow and moist and hot. She felt his soft facial hair brush her lips and chin. Their tongues danced a slow, sensual tango. He pulled her bottom lip into his mouth and she felt fire flow through her veins. She was lost in his kiss, and it sparked something she thought was long dead. When he pulled away she was breathless.
“Wow.” Dan’s voice was low and he pulled her hand down to his jeans and whispered, “See what you’ve done to me.”
Mae was shocked, at her own behavior, she didn’t pull away. Say something.
“Do you feel it, too, Mae?” He kissed her neck.
“Yes.” Then her hungry lips found his and they kissed again.
“I’ve only been with one man.” She blurted it out as soon as he pulled away. As if he even asked.
Dan laughed again, that low, sexy laugh that sent fire through Mae’s body. “I haven’t been with any. But, I want to be with you.” His lips brushed her ear as he whispered it to her.
And another voice, from deep within, whispered to her as well...
What a wicked game you play,
to make me feel this way...
You stand at the edge of a vast ocean. Fear grips your body and holds tight. You watch sunlit sparks dance off the breakers. You scan for fins in your scattered reflection. The foamy liquid invites you in, splashing your skin with soft caresses. You feel sand slip through your toes as the tide pulls the wave to sea. You’re tempted, but you have a dark memory of this place. Time heals. The past slips farther from us each day: names, faces, the way sunlight bounced off a pool of water just before you dove into it. Last time you took a fiery dive, a shark sank jagged teeth into your flesh. You nearly drowned. The memory is hazy, but you still feel the bite. Fear cements you to shore. Can’t swim.
The sea breeze whispers to you. You feel the warm breath in your ear, and taste the salty mist on your thirsty lips. Take a dip. Wait until the moon smiles, then close your eyes and dive! Dive into the blue well, feel the warm waves wash over you, consume you, until you’re swallowed whole into that deep blue bed. You know you want it. In your moonlit dreams the water takes you, fills your empty spaces, and you’re reborn in the drowning. The rolling waves move your body in a rhythmic dance. You’re free.
Wake now. Ask yourself. Will you dive, or abide in fear? You say you can’t swim, the sharks laugh, there are other swimmers.
The sea breeze whispers to you. You feel the warm breath in your ear, and taste the salty mist on your thirsty lips. Take a dip. Wait until the moon smiles, then close your eyes and dive! Dive into the blue well, feel the warm waves wash over you, consume you, until you’re swallowed whole into that deep blue bed. You know you want it. In your moonlit dreams the water takes you, fills your empty spaces, and you’re reborn in the drowning. The rolling waves move your body in a rhythmic dance. You’re free.
Wake now. Ask yourself. Will you dive, or abide in fear? You say you can’t swim, the sharks laugh, there are other swimmers.
“Okay."
"Okay?" Dan wasn't sure what she'd agreed to.
"I, I want to be with you, too.” What are you saying? “Take me home.” Are you out of your f*cking mind?
“My place? Aren’t you closer?”
“No, I lied on my profile.” Bunch of nut cases out there.
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Oh, my G-d! What are you doing, Mae? Are you crazy? You don’t even know this man, he could be a serial killer, and here you are, in HIS car, driving to HIS house, nobody even knows where you are, nobody will even miss you until the next set of plans is due, he could chop you into little pieces and throw your body in the Delaware, AFTER he rapes you, rape, it’s not rape because here you are, going willingly, what are you thinking, you should jump out at the next traffic light….
“You okay? You’re quiet. We can turn around.” His words were reassuring, but his free hand was firmly planted between her legs.
“Oh yeah, this is good, it’s fine, really, I'm fine.” Fine? Again? It’s fine? Is it FINE Mae?
“Do you think…” she couldn’t get all the words out.
“Think what?”
“Do you think there is really such a thing as meaningless sex? I mean, I know we don’t know each other, well, not very well, but isn’t there something spiritual about sharing intimacy with someone, I mean, on a human level, I mean, it’s two human beings sharing a moment in time, isn’t that meaningful? Even if it doesn’t mean anything?” Stop BABBLING Mae! Really? Spiritual? No, Mae – it’s not SPIRITUAL, the guy just wants to get laid.
“Sure, it means something.”
Just shut-up now, Mae. Just shut-up. And pray. Pray they don’t find your body floating in the Delaware, or maybe you should pray that they do find your body, people will wonder what the hell happened to you if you disappear and they never find the body. He said he owns a contracting company, no doubt he’s got access to dumpsters and landfills and cement. This is by far the dumbest thing you have ever done. EVER. And you've done some pretty stupid things.
.............................................
When Mae entered his condo, she scanned the place to see if there were any handcuffs, knives, machetes, chainsaws…
“Want a glass of wine?”
She jumped at the sound of his voice. “Yes, please, yes, wine.” Babbler
He handed her a glass and she downed it like it was her last drink – ever. Dan leaned in to kiss her again, but was cut-off by yet another question. “Do you, um, have something?”
“Something?”
“Um, yeah, some uh, protection, I don’t want to get pregnant, I can’t get pregnant, I mean, I can’t be a single mom.” Shut-up and kiss him, Mae.
Dan grinned, “Yeah, Mae, don’t worry. You sure about this? You seem a little nervous.” A little?
“I’m sorry, I am, you know because I’ve only ever been with one man and… um, yes, I’m sure, definitely. Yes, sure.” Were you sure, or not?
He kissed her and transformed her nervous excitement into hot, hungry, passion. Her fears fell away with her clothing. Next thing Mae knew, they were in his bedroom and…
Slowly, Mae emerged from her transcendent state. She had managed to step out of her own skin and become someone else, someone with deep desire, someone who could freely reveal her inner passion with another. The feeling quickly faded as the old, insecure and foolish Mae re-entered the realm of reality. She looked at Dan, he was staring at her and smiled when she turned.
“That was… delicious.”
“Oh, yeah, it was, it was really something.” Something? Mae’s cheeks burned again, as she thought about all she had just done with this man, things she never dreamed of doing, even with Tony. She couldn’t look at him, instead she turned her eyes downward and felt double the fire in her cheeks when she realized she was exposed – for all the world to see, nude, NAKED, in a strange man’s bed! She reached for a sheet and wrapped it around her body. As if Dan hadn't already explored every inch of it.
“Can you please take me to my car now?”
“Now? You're not even dressed." And there was that laugh, again. "You don’t have to leave, come back to bed, it’s late, I’ll take you in the morning… after breakfast.” He grinned that irresistible grin which only served to increase Mae’s turmoil.
“Oh, no. Really, it’s fine. I know this didn’t mean anything, I don’t need to stay, it’s not like I’m in love or anything, this was… uh, fun and all, but I really need to go now. I don’t expect anything from you, you know, it’s not like this meant anything, really, you can just take me now.” Is it REALLY okay, Mae? Can he just take you now? You’re not in love, right? Keep babbling.
“Mae, I like you, I want to see you again. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t.”
“Oh, you don’t need to say that, I understand, its…”
“Sweetie, I’m not just saying that. What do you think? I bring a new woman home every night?” Dan was getting annoyed, a feeling that Mae seems to easily evoke in others.
“Oh, no, I don’t think that.” Yes, you do. “I just have a lot of work to do, I’ve got to meet a deadline tomorrow.” With that she picked-up the clothing strewn about the floor and went into the bathroom to change. Oh, all of a sudden we’re modest, Mae?
He drove her back to the restaurant. When they arrived he told her to wait a moment before getting out of his car. He walked around and opened the door for her and held out his hand. She took it, and he spun her around and pressed her hard up against her car door. He gave her one last, deep, passionate kiss, and left her breathless again. But that didn’t stop Mae from blurting out more stupidity.
“Thanks, it was really nice, thanks again. Bye.” Wham, bam, thank you man. She turned from him to open her door.
“Wait, when am I going to see you again?” He was smiling.
“I don’t know.” With that, Mae got in her car, started it, and backed out of the spot, just missing the tips of Dan’s shoes as she backed away.
The first thing she did when she arrived home was to cancel her subscription to the dating website. Never again, this was the most foolish thing you’ve ever done. Amazing, spectacular, oh my G-d, wonderful, and completely foolish. Exciting, and stupid. And a sin, a mortal sin, a going straight to hell sin!
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The next morning she woke to the sound of her phone ringing. It was Dan. She couldn’t bear to speak with him, she never wanted to see him again. With fire burning her cheeks, she called her service company and had her number changed. Dan was a lucky man, he got to play with the fun Mae, without having to deal with the normal, irrational, self-deprecating Mae.
“That was… delicious.”
“Oh, yeah, it was, it was really something.” Something? Mae’s cheeks burned again, as she thought about all she had just done with this man, things she never dreamed of doing, even with Tony. She couldn’t look at him, instead she turned her eyes downward and felt double the fire in her cheeks when she realized she was exposed – for all the world to see, nude, NAKED, in a strange man’s bed! She reached for a sheet and wrapped it around her body. As if Dan hadn't already explored every inch of it.
“Can you please take me to my car now?”
“Now? You're not even dressed." And there was that laugh, again. "You don’t have to leave, come back to bed, it’s late, I’ll take you in the morning… after breakfast.” He grinned that irresistible grin which only served to increase Mae’s turmoil.
“Oh, no. Really, it’s fine. I know this didn’t mean anything, I don’t need to stay, it’s not like I’m in love or anything, this was… uh, fun and all, but I really need to go now. I don’t expect anything from you, you know, it’s not like this meant anything, really, you can just take me now.” Is it REALLY okay, Mae? Can he just take you now? You’re not in love, right? Keep babbling.
“Mae, I like you, I want to see you again. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t.”
“Oh, you don’t need to say that, I understand, its…”
“Sweetie, I’m not just saying that. What do you think? I bring a new woman home every night?” Dan was getting annoyed, a feeling that Mae seems to easily evoke in others.
“Oh, no, I don’t think that.” Yes, you do. “I just have a lot of work to do, I’ve got to meet a deadline tomorrow.” With that she picked-up the clothing strewn about the floor and went into the bathroom to change. Oh, all of a sudden we’re modest, Mae?
He drove her back to the restaurant. When they arrived he told her to wait a moment before getting out of his car. He walked around and opened the door for her and held out his hand. She took it, and he spun her around and pressed her hard up against her car door. He gave her one last, deep, passionate kiss, and left her breathless again. But that didn’t stop Mae from blurting out more stupidity.
“Thanks, it was really nice, thanks again. Bye.” Wham, bam, thank you man. She turned from him to open her door.
“Wait, when am I going to see you again?” He was smiling.
“I don’t know.” With that, Mae got in her car, started it, and backed out of the spot, just missing the tips of Dan’s shoes as she backed away.
The first thing she did when she arrived home was to cancel her subscription to the dating website. Never again, this was the most foolish thing you’ve ever done. Amazing, spectacular, oh my G-d, wonderful, and completely foolish. Exciting, and stupid. And a sin, a mortal sin, a going straight to hell sin!
....................................................
The next morning she woke to the sound of her phone ringing. It was Dan. She couldn’t bear to speak with him, she never wanted to see him again. With fire burning her cheeks, she called her service company and had her number changed. Dan was a lucky man, he got to play with the fun Mae, without having to deal with the normal, irrational, self-deprecating Mae.
Leaning on my conscience wall...
Confessions of irrationality: A call for help.
Mae: “Kate, you won’t believe what I’ve done! I don’t even know how to tell you.”
Kate: “Don’t tell me you lost your job!”
Mae: “No, no, it’s nothing like that.”
Kate: “That’s good, then what’s up?”
Mae: “Oh, Kate, I met this guy last night and...”
Kate: “I’m liking this story, go on.”
Mae: “Kate! Stop it. I, I did something really foolish.”
Kate: “You wore those damn heels again, didn’t you? Told ya to trash them.”
Mae: “No… I slept with him.”
Kate: “What?”
Mae: “Kate, I met him at a bar and left with him, I slept with him! I don’t know what came over me.”
Kate: “It’s called desire, Mae. What’s the problem, was he horrible?”
Mae: “No, he was wonderful. But, it was stupid, humiliating.”
Kate: “Okay, I’m still trying to figure out the problem here, you met a man who was wonderful and you slept with him? And it wasn’t horrible? I just don’t see the problem, at least now I can return those batteries I bought ya for Christmas.”
Mae: “Oh – my - G-d – Kate! Don’t you understand? I slept with a complete stranger!”
Kate: “Oh, I get it, Miss Prim finally had her pipes cleaned, and now she’s regretting it.”
Mae: “Thanks a lot.”
Kate: “Mae, there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m thrilled, it’s about damn time. LIVE Mae, LIVE already. You’re single, you can sleep with anyone you want, guilt free!”
Mae: “Maybe you can jump in and out of bed with men you hardly know, but I can’t, I don’t…”
Kate: “Well, ya did last night. And instead of enjoying it, you’re freaking out about it. Are you going to see him again?”
Mae: “No.”
Kate: “Oh, so, he was just looking to score once, I get it. I’m sorry.”
Mae: “No, I don’t want to see him again. How could I ever face him again? He saw me naked!”
Kate: “So, he wanted to see you again? But since he’s already seen you naked, you won’t?”
Mae: “Yes.”
Kate: “I will never get you.”
Mae: “I am done with men!”
Mae: “Kate, you won’t believe what I’ve done! I don’t even know how to tell you.”
Kate: “Don’t tell me you lost your job!”
Mae: “No, no, it’s nothing like that.”
Kate: “That’s good, then what’s up?”
Mae: “Oh, Kate, I met this guy last night and...”
Kate: “I’m liking this story, go on.”
Mae: “Kate! Stop it. I, I did something really foolish.”
Kate: “You wore those damn heels again, didn’t you? Told ya to trash them.”
Mae: “No… I slept with him.”
Kate: “What?”
Mae: “Kate, I met him at a bar and left with him, I slept with him! I don’t know what came over me.”
Kate: “It’s called desire, Mae. What’s the problem, was he horrible?”
Mae: “No, he was wonderful. But, it was stupid, humiliating.”
Kate: “Okay, I’m still trying to figure out the problem here, you met a man who was wonderful and you slept with him? And it wasn’t horrible? I just don’t see the problem, at least now I can return those batteries I bought ya for Christmas.”
Mae: “Oh – my - G-d – Kate! Don’t you understand? I slept with a complete stranger!”
Kate: “Oh, I get it, Miss Prim finally had her pipes cleaned, and now she’s regretting it.”
Mae: “Thanks a lot.”
Kate: “Mae, there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m thrilled, it’s about damn time. LIVE Mae, LIVE already. You’re single, you can sleep with anyone you want, guilt free!”
Mae: “Maybe you can jump in and out of bed with men you hardly know, but I can’t, I don’t…”
Kate: “Well, ya did last night. And instead of enjoying it, you’re freaking out about it. Are you going to see him again?”
Mae: “No.”
Kate: “Oh, so, he was just looking to score once, I get it. I’m sorry.”
Mae: “No, I don’t want to see him again. How could I ever face him again? He saw me naked!”
Kate: “So, he wanted to see you again? But since he’s already seen you naked, you won’t?”
Mae: “Yes.”
Kate: “I will never get you.”
Mae: “I am done with men!”
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